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10 Tips to Have an Informed Conversation about Domestic Violence

1.  NEVER victim blame.

Abuse is never the victim’s fault. As a society, we continue to place blame on victims by asking, “What did she do to deserve that?” or, “What were they wearing?” or, “Why was he there?” or, “Why couldn’t she just keep her knees together?” Yet, we do not ask these questions to victims of other crimes. We must stop asking these questions of domestic violence and sexual assault survivors.

  • ASK: How can we shift the culture away from blaming the victim, and instead blame the perpetrator? Why does the abuser choose to abuse?
  • RESPOND: Believe, support, and trust survivors. Instead of second-guessing their experiences, let’s rightfully place the responsibility on abusers and perpetrators to end the abuse. Domestic violence is rooted in power and control.

2.  Hold offenders accountable.

Holding offenders accountable can take many forms. If it is safe to do so (and with the survivor’s consent), call offenders out on their abusive actions and impose social consequences, like telling them they’re not welcome for family dinner or to hang out until the abusive behavior stops. Stop excusing behavior with “boys will be boys” or “they would never do something like that.” Community accountability can make a significant impact.

  • ASK: How can we hold offenders accountable and support survivors?
  • RESPOND: Tell the perpetrator that their behavior is abusive. Healthy relationships are rooted in equality, respect, and nonviolence.

3. Challenge widely held perceptions about domestic violence.

Unfortunately, misconceptions about domestic violence persist – such as the notions that survivors can “just leave,” that only certain people can be victims, that domestic violence only includes physical violence, or that domestic violence is a “private, family matter.” Each one of these myths persists, despite our work to challenge these perceptions.

  • ASK: Why can’t survivors “just leave?” Other than physical violence, what other forms of abuse can domestic violence take?
  • RESPOND: Survivors must think about their own physical safety, financial security, the safety and welfare of their children and pets, potential housing, and where they can “just leave” to, among myriad other issues. Domestic violence can include physical, financial, emotional, psychological, and sexual abuse.

4. Voice that domestic violence impacts each survivor differently.

Domestic violence does not happen in a vacuum. Survivors have many different life experiences that can affect how an abuser chooses to hurt them, how “healing” looks or feels, and what kinds of resources and support are (or aren’t) helpful. Every survivor deserves the individualized, affirming help that fits them best.

  • ASK: How do you think different experiences affect survivors’ stories?
  • RESPOND: Every survivor is different, and every survivor deserves whatever kind of help best supports and empowers them.

5.  Understand that abuse is rooted in power and control.

Abuse is intentional. It is a myth that someone who abuses their partner is “out of control;” in fact, they are in good control (How often do they “lose control” at work? With a friend? With other family members?) and purposely choose tactics to control their partner. Power is hard to give up or share, and abusive actions are purposeful with the goal of gaining power and control over a partner.

  • ASK: What do you think are common ways that offenders use power and control over victims?
  • RESPOND: Strategically isolating victims is a common tactic to gain power and control over a victim. For example, perpetrators may trap their partners by withholding, lying about, or hiding financial assets, a form of financial abuse.

6.  Trust the survivor’s perspective.

Survivors know their experience and story better than anyone. Taking a survivor-centered approach empowers survivors by prioritizing their needs and wants. Often, abusers deny their partners’ self-determination; empowering survivors returns their control and enables them to make their own decisions.

  • ASK: In what ways can we support survivors in making their own decisions about how to address abuse?
  • RESPOND: Listen! Ask survivors what they need individually to be safe – there is no one-size-fits-all approach to addressing domestic violence.

7.  Question the way the media portrays domestic violence.

Within the last few years, there have been a number of highly publicized cases of domestic violence. While raising awareness is important, it’s crucial to look at domestic violence reporting through a critical and trauma-informed lens to make sure the portrayal of domestic violence is accurately rooted in the realities of survivors’ experiences. NNEDV has a number of resources, like our Media Guide, that can be a good place to start.

  • ASK: What have you thought about recent media coverage of celebrity domestic violence cases?
  • RESPOND: Survivors in highly publicized cases deserve the same respect as any person experiencing abuse. First and foremost, we must believe survivors, continue to hold celebrity offenders accountable, and keep in mind that everyone’s story is their own and unique.

8.  Communicate that domestic violence is not a “private, family matter.”

Almost one in two women and more than four in 10 men have reported experiencing sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime. Domestic violence affects us all; victims are our family members, neighbors, coworkers, and friends. All of us must be part of the solution.

  • ASK: Do you know anyone who has been affected by domestic violence? How did you support them?
  • RESPOND: Domestic violence affects each and every one of us. Violence is not the answer, and it’s on us to take a stand against domestic violence.

9.  Root your conversation in the bigger picture.

Addressing the causes of domestic violence takes conscious action. While abusers are always responsible for their choices to be abusive, many structural and environmental factors can make it more likely that someone will (or won’t) choose to be violent.

  • ASK: What kinds of external factors play a role in domestic violence?
  • RESPOND: Many dynamics of power and control develop early, especially when young people don’t receive education about the importance of healthy relationships, or when children see parents or other adults normalizing abusive behaviors. Some ways to combat these are through conscious action (e.g., by being a positive role model for the children in your life) and youth education to help prevent violence before it happens.

10.  Remember that domestic violence affects all of us, but with action and education, we can end it.

Domestic violence is everywhere, affecting millions of individuals across the United States. Domestic violence is not strictly physical abuse, but can include emotional, financial, verbal, psychological, sexual, and technology-facilitated abuse as well.

  • ASK: What can you do to end domestic violence?
  • RESPOND: There are many ways to help end domestic violence. The easiest way is to start a conversation about domestic violence with your loved ones. Support your community by volunteering or donating to a domestic violence organization.

If you’re having a conversation about domestic violence and someone discloses that they are a victim or survivor, you can:

Listen, and communicate that the abuse they’re experiencing is not their fault. Let them know that they deserve safety and refer them to resources.

If they are in immediate danger and feel comfortable potentially involving law enforcement, please call 911.

The U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline provides free, confidential, and compassionate support, crisis intervention information, education, and referral services in over 200 languages. Contact them by phone (1-800-799-SAFE), TTY (1-800-787-3224), chat (TheHotline.org), or text (START to 88788).

NNEDV’s WomensLaw Email Hotline provides basic legal information, referrals, and emotional support related to domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking.

Find your state or territory coalition at NNEDV.org/Coalitions.

Learn more about technology-facilitated abuse, harassment, and harm from TechSafety.org.